Eli was a beautiful, chonky fawn pug with the world’s best smile. My husband and I adopted him on my birthday. He wanted me to have a companion to help with my anxiety disorder and, as time passed, Eli kept me afloat. He was there for the highs and lows in my life from walking me down the aisle with my mom to marry his papa, watching wrestling together, being my study buddy through Mortuary School, to being by my side when my mom died from cancer.
Eli was diagnosed with cancer the same year my mom was diagnosed. Five months after my mom died, I was scheduling Eli’s euthanasia. I knew a week in advance that he was going to die. I’d been dealing with anticipatory grief since he was diagnosed, and I would try to make each day special. I’m a planner so I got everything ready before he died: a memorial DVD, memorial folders, an obituary, clay paw prints, fur clippings, and a photo shoot. I wanted to be in control of something during this chaotic time.
The week before he died was incredibly stressful for me, so I took time off work. I tried to keep myself occupied, and give Eli whatever he wanted to eat. I even celebrated his birthday early and had friends come say goodbye to him. The guilt I felt was soul crushing. I constantly called the vet to make sure this was the right decision. I would even Google to make sure I was doing the right thing. But I tried to stay grounded for him. I didn’t want him to feed off my energy.
The day of his euthanasia: As a death care worker, I made sure to prepare Eli for his cremation by shrouding him in cloth with his favorite toys, graduation cap, the bow tie he wore to my wedding, and a bouquet of lavender after he died. Being involved in the death care process and driving him to the crematory helped me get through that horrible day.
I decided to plan a funeral service in my backyard for Eli so I could have the same support I had received at my mother’s funeral. As mentioned before, I put together a DVD with ten years worth of photos. I put out the memorial folders which included photos, his obituary, poem, and the pug rescue to donate in lieu of flowers. The memorial folders also included a sticker that read, “Pet Cancer is an Asshole” and a packet of lavender seeds.
I had a cutout photo ordered to be displayed next to his urn. I made Angel pug pins from felt for guests to wear. I put a 6ft table outside with a table cloth and placed a television for the DVD to loop. I put out all the items for service. However, only four people showed up. I was devastated and angry that no one took his death as seriously as my mother’s death. He was my soul dog. Though, I was grateful for the friends who did show up.
I didn’t know it at the time but the seeds for Mourning Pug and The Pet Griever’s Club were planted that day. At the funeral, Juelz noticed the cutout photo of Eli, stood on his hind legs and cried trying to get a closer look at his big brother. The name, Mourning Pug, comes from this. Although not a lot of people attended Eli’s funeral, I feel like I’ve created something bigger in his honor by helping other pet griever’s and providing that space to openly talk about their grief.
“Eli was not human, but the love he held for his family was inexhaustible and complete. The life given to him was one that even humans dream of. He knew only of love. He knew only of being cherished. He knew resilience in every facet of his life.”
Melinda Ramos is the founder of The Pet Griever's Club and can be found @mourningpug on Instagram
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